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I have some concerns about my boyfriend, but I do have feelings for him. What do I do?

Q:I've never written for this kind of advice before, but I've never been in a situation like this before- so I thought it might be time to think outside the box...

I have been dating J.S. for 2 years- we started dating before he was a Christian- a fact that was extremely difficult for me to have to deal with as our relationship progressed- but he faithfully went to church with me, took a class on the book of Romans, and joined a small group with me from out church. He also stopped his previously heavy drinking habits. He was saved last fall- which brought me great joy- and our relationship seemed to bloom after that time. It was like the issue that had kept us apart (from thinking about marriage or proceeding in our relationship) was gone and there was no reason to not progress in the direction of marriage. However, there have been several complicating issues over the past 9 months. I moved from the East Coast back to my home state in the Midwest after finishing grad school early last fall. He said he wanted to come to live near me & I encouraged him in the late fall to start looking for a job as the economy seemed to be having problems. I sent him job opps in the area. However, he did not start looking for a job until January- and became quickly discouraged that there were no longer many opportunities. We were only seeing each other occasionally at this point, due to work schedules and other issues. In February, I contracted a severe respiratory illness which was complicated by asthma. He happened to be here as it was over Valentine's Day. He was very attentive and caring as I was rushed to the ED and admitted to the hospital one night, but the time did not lend itself to us spending "quality time" together- I wasn't able to breathe well enough to even carry on a conversation. After I recovered & I attempted to reestablish our conversation habits by phone and found him to seem to often be busy or preoccupied while on the phone with me. He has a habit of trying to watch t.v. or do projects while talking to me- which leads to minimal conversation. The first part of March he was here and I gave him to read a book- "For Men Only" that explains how women think and communicate and what men can do to better understand them. I told him I had read it's counterpart- "For Women Only" and felt it had been enlightening. He only read a chapter or two on his flight back home. I really starting noticing him being distant then- and tried to tell him how I felt and encourage him to work with me to try and bring the life back into our relationship- that I felt it was difficult to sustain with such distance between us- both geographical and verbal. He became angry at that time and said he had no idea what I was talking about and thought our relationship was fine. No matter what I said- he disagreed. I began feeling frustrated- no matter what I seemed to say about trying to improve- and even just sustain our relationship- he never seemed to hear me, or he disagreed.

This issue was only compounded by the fact that he was continuing in his habits of procrastination and lack of follow-through. We have a pattern- he doesn't do something he says he will do- when I ask him about it- he says he doesn't ever remember & that I need to remind him. I'll remind him- and he'll put it off. It is not just in small things- it is even in areas as serious as his health.

For the past month- as I said- my frustration has grown- until I began to distance myself from him, though- he didn't even notice.

About 2 weeks ago an old college friend of mine contacted me via facebook. We had lost touch with each other and it was exciting to catch up with him again as we were very close in college (although we had never dated). He told me via facebook that he had had a crush on me back in college but had been to scared to tell me- I told him I had felt the same way. He asked if I was still in a relationship- I said that I was- and that we were talking about getting married & he was hoping to move here soon. We quickly fell back into the easy friendship we had in college- and everything was very platonic. I told my boyfriend about this incident as soon as it happened- bc I had nothing to hide. The following week- my friend called and said that he was going to be coming through my town for work and wondered if I wanted to meet for dinner. I said that would be great. I told my boyfriend- who called me back about 2 hours later and demanded to know what was going on with this guy. I was shocked- he's never been a jealous type- but bc he and I had been having some issues- I explained again how we knew each other & that he knew I had a boyfriend, etc.. I also said that if her didn't want me to go- I wouldn't go- it was not worth bringing more problems into our relationship. He said that it was fine, he had overreacted.

I met my friend for dinner & we had a great time reminiscing. Later, I emailed my cousin- who knew about the "reunion" and told her it had been fun- I also told her that my friend had offered to give me a ticket for an upcoming cubs game- and that I had told him I couldn't bc I thought it would make my boyfriend uncomfortable- that we were in the middle of working through some things and I really didn't want to complicate it by going to the game.

My boyfriend flew into town 2 days later- got off the plane- and proposed to me in the parking lot.. I was in complete shock- I had been so clear with him that I wanted to take this weekend to work through some issues. I told him that I loved him but that I couldn't say "yes" yet- despite the fact that I had looked forward to that day for so long. He and I proceeded to discuss the issues- ad nauseum- for the entire weekend- I tried in every way I could think of what I thought our issues were- namely- I am very motivated & driven- and he is not- and that leaves me with the burden of responsibility and I didn't like how that was going to look in the future. Also, our lack of communication- I want to talk through things- he like to make jokes or clam up and say nothing- literally, "I don't know what to say"- nothing. I got nowhere with these conversations. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't get through to him. I told him at the end of the weekend that I thought we needed to take a short break- that I was worn out and just needed some time to get some perspective and pray. ( I had also started a new job that week). He did not like that at all- but agreed to it- saying that we would not be able to talk to one another at all or he would only want to talk about these things. We agreed to a break for 2 weeks.

On Friday, I began getting emails from him accusing me of lying to him- I was completely shocked- he then began quoting things from my emails to my cousin & my college friend- saying that I had been causing problems with us in order to be with this other guy. He refused to speak to me. So, I bought a plane ticket and flew out East that night to see if I could somehow solve this. He agreed to pick me up- and began with the accusations when he did. I tried to explain that what he was reading was either information from 10 years ago- or info from a conversation that had previously occurred with my cousin. I told him I understood why he had looked at my emails (I had previously given him access to my account) bc of how bad our weekend had been- but that they had been private conversations that he had taken out of context. He finally cooled down & we were able to talk. The next was great- we spent the day shopping, walking outside & talking. That night he admitted to me that he had actually gone through my email, facebook, & phone records the day he had flown here- before our terrible weekend had even started. After he had asked me about my college friend & I had assured him it was friendship only- he violated my privacy. It was also the reason he had not "heard" me all weekend- he had been so convinced I wanted to break up with him for this other guy- he felt I had been "making up reasons" to break up.

I have never given him any reason to believe that I would be less than truthful, that I would cheat, or anything like it. I am a person of faith and deep conviction that I answer to God- even more than the people in my relationships. He now tells me he's so sorry & wants to work things out- but I just feel devastated & worn out. He says he has now read the book, and he gets why I have been struggling with the relationship- he really is a loving, kind, generous man- but I just don't know what to do.

Any advice you could give would be so helpful-

Sincerely,

~jk

A: Hi JK,

Thank you for taking the time to write regarding your relationship with JS.  First of all, I hope by now you've changed all your passwords to prevent him from accessing your accounts.  Second, let me tell you that I think you way you've handled yourself in this situation is commendable and pleasing to God.  In fact,  you showed JS more grace than I would have for sure.  Based on what you've told me, I have some serious concerns.  I believe agreeing to marry this guy right now would be a big mistake.  Whatever problems you are seeing now will only get worse after marriage, not better.  It appears there are issues of trust, integrity, honesty, anger, respect, to name a few.  Not to mention the differences in your personalities you've identified, as well as the difficulty in trying to maintain a long distance relationship.  You obviously have feelings for him because you've endured more than I would expect a woman to put up with in a dating relationship.  I'm wondering if the changes in his life were really because he "was saved," or if they were to please you.  In other words, I'm wondering if he really has a life-changing relationship with Christ or if he's just going along with it because it was a prerequisite to being with you.  Matthew 7:16 says we should know true Christ followers by the fruit in their life (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control).  What fruit are you seeing? 

If you were closer to each other, you'd be able to spend time together and more easily discern what is going on with him.  However, since you're so far away the time you spend together on visits isn't the "every day" stuff in which you really get to know the person in the day-in, day-out routine of life.  I'm thinking it might not be a good idea for him to move to your area, because if he does you'll be the only person he knows and your stuck with him.  What I mean is, if he comes there for you, then you'll feel obligated to him and will possibly put up with stuff you wouldn't otherwise because of a feeling of obligation or commitment.  You're only dating, and you shouldn't feel obligated or committed to someone you're not sure about.  You should have the freedom to explore the relationship without the added stress of being the only person he knows and feeling responsible for him being there.  He might even be the kind of person who would use that to manipulate you.  (I don't know; just a thought). 

If you were my daughter, I'd be very concerned about you dating JS.  You are God's precious daughter, and whoever wants to win your hand in marriage should treat you that way.  It does not appear that way in this relationship.  And the serious violations of trust and privacy are huge red flags for me.  I pray that God will give you clarity, wisdom and peace to make the right decision.

In Christ,
 
Pastor J