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Christian Dating FAQ

I believe in only dating Christians. How do I explain this to non-Christians?

I don't feel like he cares about my relationship with christ. He does not strive to make me or himself a better christian.

Is french kissing okay?

How do I decide how much time to spend with her (or him)?

I have known the boy I am now dating for almost 7 years. His family is Muslim but he says Christianity is what he wants. My father has a problem with this. What should I do?

We have been engaging in pseudo-sexual behaviors. I feel it is sinful, since it is so close to having sex. However, he either doesn't think so or is over came by lust.

I was told by a Christian man, that a true Christian woman will not date but she will marry the first Christian man who proposes.

I don't know whether or not he's a Christian.

When and how should I tell the man of my dreams I was married four times before becoming a Christian?

I have a sexually promiscuous past, and I don't know how to tell her about it.

We have only formally dated for 3 months. But already, he wants to marry me.

He wants me to come to visit him for our first meeting.

He wants my phone number so we can talk.

Do you believe it's possible to meet the right person online?

Do you have any other advice if a person is struggling with feeling lonely or alone?

I'm ready to marry her, but she doesn't feel anything more than friendship.

I have some concerns about my boyfriend, but I do have feelings for him. What should I do?

Q: My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years. I love him very much and i know he loves me to. The only problem is, i don't feel like he cares about my relationship with christ. He does not strive to make me or himself a better christian. I feel that i have always shared my beliefs openly and honestly and have let him know on many occasions how i feel about the situation. I have always wanted to marry him. However, i want us and our future family to have a positive, lving relationship with christ. I feel so confused right now. Is it time for a break? Any advice would be greatly appreciated! -- K in Houston

A: It sounds to me like you have some valid concerns, although since you didn't give any specifics I'm not sure exactly what the issues are.  It sounds to me like either you are a believer and your boyfriend is not, or you are more spiritually mature than he is.  I believe it is important that both of you be on the same page spiritually.  In 2 Corinthians 6:14, Paul writes that we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers.  So, the first step is to make sure your boyfriend is truly saved.  If not, then the Bible says you are not to marry him.  Additionally, I believe the principal of being unequally yoked can be applied to two believers as well.  The expression refers to two oxen yoked together for plowing, and if you yoke together one strong oxen with one weak oxen they will not go straight.  Instead, they will go to the left or right or, if the difference is great they will go in a circle!  So, I think it's important that you not be with someone who is very different from you in terms of spiritual maturity.  For a woman, that means she should not be with someone who is less mature spiritually, because I'm concerned about him being a good spiritual leader. 

What I suggest you do is sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel and what your concerns are.  The way he responds will most likely tell you a lot.  Do not put yourself in a position of having to be the spiritual leader, or having to initiate the spiritual aspects of the relationship.  Seek the Lord's wisdom and discernment, and be prepared to do what is necessary to protect your heart and to glorify and honor God.

Q: How do I decide how much time to spend with her? I mean, of course I want to spend every waking moment with her, but I don't want to damage my other relationships, or distract or annoy her. I just end up being selfish, or at least feeling like I am. I know God doesn't want me to avoid her, but I also know that it's not good to spend all my time with her. How do I strike that balance? -- A.M.

A: It's natural to want to spend "every waking moment" with a new girlfriend, especially in the beginning.  You are wise to note that you could damage other relationships or distract or annoy her, and that you could be selfish about it as well.  I recommend talking with her about her expectations for time spent together, and see what her thoughts are.  If this is the beginning of a relationship, resist the temptation to spend too much time together.  It would be better to spend more time on the phone, getting to know each other without the distractions of going out and without the physical aspect (i.e. attraction, chemistry) confusing things.  If this is the right relationship for you, then you'll never regret taking your time.  If it's not the right relationship for, you'll be grateful you didn't get carried away with it.  I would suggest that once or twice a week (on average) is sufficient as far as being together.  There is nothing wrong (in my opinion) with talking more frequently on the phone, but I wouldn't go out more than once or twice a week.

Q: Hi. My situation is the following. Me and my boyfriend have known each other for over 5 years. We had feelings for each other on and off for 3 years but the problem was that i didnt feel like it was in God's will for us to be together at that time and he respected that so we remained as friends (more like best friends). After we prayed and left it in God's hands, we finally decided to start a relationship. We were in love before we were even a couple. My issue is that i've always been like a conservative girl. I never dated anyone before him because i always wanted to make sure it was in God's will. So he actually was my first kiss. The thing is that i dont know if french kissing is bad. See, i think that my problem is that i think too much of it because i waited a long time in order to be in my first relationship so im probably in that mentality like it's wrong. BUT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!! He truly is a blessing in my life and he is a man of GOD. He respects my decision but im still confused -- M. in Cleveland

A: Dear M., Please read my article, How Far is Too Far?. It should pretty much answer your question.  This is a difficult question, but I believe it's always better to err on the side of conservatism than go too far and regret it later.  If he's the one for you, eventually you'll be able to do everything (after you're married).  You'll never regret being too conservative before marriage, but plenty of Christians regret having gone too far.

Q: My boyfriend and I have been engaging in pseudo-sexual behaviors. We are both Christians, so we know sex out of relationship is a sin. I feel that what we have been doing is sinful, since it is so close to having sex. However, he either doesn't think so or is over came by lust. We have talked about the issue of "sin by sexual thoughts" before, but we still fall into the situations that I don't know how to satisfy his desires. I know I shouldn't have let it happen the first time, but now I don't know how to stop it. How would you deal with this situation? I am a fairly conservative dresser (I don't even wear shorts in public), so I don't think the matter is in my appearance. I think the issue is in that I don't know how to make him realize that we do is sin, how serious it is, and how I can put the message in a way that won't hurt him?

For background information, he has a very solid foundation in the Bible. He also has ENTJ type personality, which is known for their ability to argue effectively and strong logic reasoning. I, on the other hand, have been a Christian for a much shorter period of time and am more introverted. Usually he convinces me instead of vice versa. -- Linyi

A: Linyi, You are in a difficult position, and I am praying that my advice will be what God wants you to know.  Regarding the "pseudo-sexual behaviors," please read my article, "How Far is too Far?" which addresses the issue of premarital sex. If you are trying to pull back from what is going on and your boyfriend is continuing to push it, that is a big "red flag."  If he doesn't respect you and is not willing to honor your boundaries while you're dating, how do you think he will treat you when you are married?  I'm not just talking about sex, but about any aspect of your relationship.  Since I don't know what the two of you are doing (and don't want to know), I can only go on what you have told me, and that is that you believe what you two are doing is sin.  If that is the case, and he doesn't see it as sin also, that concerns me.  As a man, I know how strong the power of lust and sexual desire can be, but I also know we have a choice as to how we respond. 

I suggest you tell him what you want to do about this and if he won't honor your request, without complaining or making excuses, then break it off.  Joseph ran away when he was being tempted to do something he knew would displease God, and he didn't even bother to grab his coat.  I suggest you do the same.  If this man keeps pushing you to do things you know are wrong, then he's not the man for you.  A true man of God will honor your requests and will not push you to do things you know are sinful.  In fact, a true man of God would not be doing these things with you in the first place, or if he did he would repent and ask you to forgive him for taking advantage of you.  That doesn't mean he won't be tempted, but his desire to honor God and to honor and respect you will be stronger than his lust and sexual desire.  If your boyfriend won't do it, send him away and wait for someone who will.  Don't compromise and don't settle for less than what God wants for you.

A word about your personality and his:  This is a classic case of the dominant man and submissive woman.  If you're not careful, this guy will run all over you and always get his way.  Until you are married, you are not under his authority and you DO NOT have to submit to him.  Here some verses to keep in mind as you think about how he treats you:

"Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Phil. 2:4)
"Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others." (1 Cor. 10:24)

Set your boundaries and stand your ground.  Don't let him argue, reason, debate, or do anything to make you change you mind.  Ask God to give you strength and to help you do this.

Q: I was told by another Christian man, that a true Christian woman will not date but she will marry the first Christian man who proposes. He says that this is what God wants us to do. If we are equally yoked, then there is no reason why two Christians should not just marry. He says that I am allowing my flesh to get in the way if I do not agree.

Should I just marry a man because he is Christian and I am Christian. Is this enough to keep me happy in a marriage? Should I just marry a man because he says he loves God. What if I don't like his personality? Is this my flesh getting into the way? Should I focus only on his love for God?

PLEASE HELP! -- T.

A: Hello T, What this "Christian man" is telling you is absolutely false!  Don't let him manipulate you.  If you were my daughter I would tell you to stay away from him, and if he won't leave you alone  you should go to your pastor and tell him what is going on.  Who is he to tell you what God wants you to do?  You should spend time getting to know any man you're considering for marriage and if your personalities don't go together or if you're not attracted to him, you shouldn't marry him, because those things most likely won't improve with time.  This man sounds like someone who will want to dominate his wife and control her by twisting the Bible around.

Yes, you should look at a man's love for God, but other factors are important as well.  If you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want to make sure that you are compatible and that you will enjoy being with this person.  The man you described scares me, because if he really believes what he is telling you, who knows what else he might say or do.

Q: Hi! I have a question about a situation with a guy I met at work, not online. Can I ask it here? Here's the situation: He asked me out, and since he seemed like a nice guy I told him I'd go out for coffee with him. When we got together I had a great time. He's funny, intelligent and he's also handsome, and he wants to get together again. The thing is, I don't know whether or not he's a Christian. What should I do? Marie in Indy

A: Marie, of course you can ask that question here. :) It's a great question and one that many single Christians will face at some point. First of all, I want you to know that I appreciate the fact that you're already thinking about where this guy is with the Lord. I assume that's because you believe you should only date Christians, and for that I commend you! (For more about Christians dating non-Christians, please read Equally Yoked Dating.) Here is my suggestion. If you haven't already agreed to go out with him, wait for him to ask you and them just be honest with him and tell him about your relationship with the Lord and then tell him that it is important to you to be with someone who shares your love for the Lord. Of course, do this in your own words in a way that genuinely expresses your thoughts and feelings. If you have already agreed to go out with him again, then you could do the same thing while you're out with him, or you could talk with him before you go out. I believe you should address this as soon as possible, before going on any additional dates. The longer you wait, the more difficult it becomes because you can begin to have "warm and fuzzy" feelings which can interfere with good judgment. Be strong and don't compromise. God wants you to have His best, not a consolation prize.

Q: I've been getting to know a great Christian woman for about a month, and I think she could be the one. The problem is, I have a sexually promiscuous past, and I don't know how to tell her about it. What should I do? -- B. in Charleston

A: Thank you for sharing this. I had to deal with the same situation myself. I found that the best thing to do was to just be honest and tell her the truth. I wouldn't do it unless you're pretty sure this relationship could move forward and you think she feels the same way. But, I believe it's important to get it "out there" before feelings begin to develop and then someone could get hurt. I have found that most women are very understanding about this and, in fact, many of them have similar issues. There are virgins out there who desire to marry a fellow virgin, and that is great. But, for many of us, that is not a possibility. God bless you, brother.

Q: I feel we have advanced too quickly. We have only formally dated for 3 months.  But already, he wants to marry me. The problem is, I'm not ready. First of all, I am still figuring my way out in life. Second of all, the even more important factor is that I am not sure whether he is the one, either--and this I am afraid to tell. I am not very comfortable with parts of his personality (including the part on his views on sex). Maybe with time and love I can overcome the imperfections of his, but now I am not ready. He has successfully refuted all my reasons for not getting married early but this one (which I can't tell). I don't know what to do. I feel so pressured. How can I make him understand that I love him but I'm not ready to make a commitment yet? -- Carrie in Rochester

A: Carrie, I agree that three months is too quick to say you want to get married.  I believe an absolute minimum amount of time is one year before you make a decision to marry someone.  If your boyfriend is pressuring you, that is a cause for concern.  Why is he in such a hurry?  If you think things are moving too fast then they are, no matter what he thinks or says.  If he's not willing to honor your feelings and make whatever adjustments you feel you need, then this is not the guy for you.  Tell him what you are comfortable with, and if he's not willing to slow down and do what you ask, send him away.  That is not what God wants for you.  Don't let him pressure you or push you into doing anything you don't want to do.

Based on what you have told me, your boyfriend seems more concerned about himself than about you, which is not what God wants for you.  See the verses I gave you earlier.  Instead always trying to refute and argue, he should be listening and doing whatever he can to honor your needs and requests. Read Philippians 2:4 and 1 Corinthians 10:24, and ask yourself is that's the way he treats you. Somewhere, there's a man who will love you, serve you, listen to you, and put your needs before his own. Don't settle for less than God's best!

Q: I met a guy online, and we've talked on the phone a few times. He lives quite a distance away, and he wants me to come visit him for our first meeting. He has offered to pay for my travel expenses. What do you think? -- Lisa in Clearwater

A: Good question. I think it's better for the man to go to the woman first, because he should be willing to "do the work" to meet you; not vice versa. Not only that, but you don't really know this guy, and it's a lot safer it he comes to your area. Although it's nice that he is willing to pay your way, I would ask him to come to your town instead. If he's a godly man who respects you he shouldn't have a problem with that. God bless you.

Q: I've been emailing a guy for about a week, and he wants my phone number so we can talk. I'm not sure about giving him my number. What should I do? -- Mary Ellen in Dallas

A: I'm glad you asked this question, because it's a common issue for women. I don't think you should give him your phone number at home, because that can be connected with your address. Even if your number is unlisted, it is very simple to get the address with just a phone number. If you have cell phone, you could give him that number. Better yet, have him give you his number and you can call him. When you call him, use the *67 feature on your phone to block your number, so he can't get it with caller ID. I think women need to be very careful in these situations. Just because you met a guy on a "Christian" dating site doesn't mean he's safe. Grace and peace to you.

Q: Do you believe it's possible to meet the right person online? Shouldn't I just trust God to bring that right person into my life at the right time? -- Amy in Ontario

A: An excellent question! Yes, you should trust God but, yes, I do believe it's possible to meet the right person online. Not only do I believe, but I know for sure because My wife and I met online! I don't think there's anything wrong with making yourself available for meeting someone, as long as it doesn't become an obsession. Although God does work in our lives, often we have to do our part as well. For more on this, please read the article Waiting on the Lord. Blessings to you.

Q: Do you have any other advice if a person is struggling with feeling lonely or alone and they currently did not have any friends they can spend time with because: most of my friends are married or have a very active life, and even when I'm with them I still feel lonely. -- J in Maryland

A: I empathize with you, because I went through this as well before I got married.  Here are some suggestions:

1. Don't give up on your married friends.  I think it's very healthy for single people to spend time with married couples to observe how they interact and learn about relationships.
2. Try to get involved in things at your church or other churches that will enable you to meet new friends, and not just singles events.  There are many peoplein the same situation as you.
3. Use this time to deepen your relationship with the Lord and to serve Him.  Not only will this give you fulfillment but it might also enable you to make new friends as you serve Him.
4. Don't focus on what you don't have but, rather, on what you do have.  Be thankful for the many things God has given you, and appreciate them.
5. Ask the Lord to reveal to you those things in your life that He wants to refine during this time.
6. Finally, keep praying to God for the desires of your heart and don't give up (Luke 18:1-8).

I was nearly 45 before I finally got married.  God taught me a lot about patience and waiting on Him, and I'm still learning. 

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness..." (Matthew 6:33)

Q: I have known the boy I am now dating for almost 7 years. He is not yet a Christian, but has told me that Christianity is what he wants. However, here lies the problem. His family is Muslim and he feels a lot of pressure to obey them while he is under their roof as well as he wants to make sure that when he commits his life to Christ that it is for the right reasons. AKA not me. My dad is having a real problem with the fact that we are entertaining a dating relationship b/c of what it says in the Bible about equal yoking. I honestly do not know what holds my boyfriend back from committing his life to Christ, but I wish there was some way I could help him without getting in the way. I think once he becomes a Christian my dad would be a whole lot more comfortable with the situation. Also, my dad does not agree with two people being together who have different religious backgrounds. I disagree with this thought. That would mean that Christians are only supposed to marry those that have been raised as Christians? I don't think that is what the Bible tells us. However, I'm having a tough time finding any evidence. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks :) -- LT in Texas

A: Hello LT, I believe this is a difficult situation and if I were your father I would have a problem with it too.  Please read my article, Equally Yoked Dating:

There are good reasons why God instructs us to not be equally yoked.  I believe the best way you could help him, and yourself, at this point would be to end the relationship with him.  I know that might sound harsh, but I say this for the following reasons:

1)  I wonder how interested in Christianity he would be if you weren't a Christian.
2)  Even if he makes a profession of faith he will not be a mature Christian man, which is what you should desire in a husband.  The principle of yoking also applies to the relative strength of the two who are yoked together.  Think about a strong, mature ox yoked to a newborn ox.  The strong ox would pull the plough in a circle and the plough would never get anywhere.
3)  With his parents being Muslim (which generally means he is Muslim too) there might never be peace in his family and if you marry him your marriage would cause much difficulty in his life and in his family.
4)  As long as you are with him, you will never know if he makes a profession of faith because of you or because it is genuinely an act of faith on his part.  By ending the relationship, he then must decide to continue to pursue Christ or not without your influence. 
5)  As a follower of Christ you must not marry a man who is not a believer, period.  He's had seven years to come to faith and hasn't.  What makes you think he ever will?  Christian women who are in love with, and especially those who marry, men who are not saved are generally quite miserable because of the unequal yoking.  Eventually, some of these men will come to faith in Christ, but many will not and every day these women must face the reality that the man they love is going to hell when he dies.

Because of his Muslim background, your boyfriend probably feels like he must choose between you (and Christianity) and his family (and Islam).  In his culture family and Islam are not easily separated, in fact, in many countries he would be killed or at least disowned and considered a disgrace to his family.

The Bible does not say that Christians must marry only those who are raised as Christians.  However, you do need to consider the social, cultural, and relational issues that would affect your relationship with this guy.  These are real issues that have a significant impact on your relationship.

Remember:  This is not about choosing a religion.  This is about choosing a relationship with the Risen Lord Jesus Christ.

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